50 Shades of Brown

I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships and such.  Plenty of material out there for me to observe.  For many of us (myself included) they delight, complete, and support the life we want for ourselves.  But, throughout human history, even BEFORE trains were invented, they can also be train wrecks.  Fascinating to watch, and entirely predictable. Before I write this blog post, a few disclaimers.  1.  None of the individuals mentioned in this post are related to me in any way or are good friends of mine. 2.  This is probably not new material; I’m sure others have written and observed the same things.

So, you are ready to jump into a new relationship with that special someone. (I’m leaving gender out of this; this is a people issue).   You have physical attraction to them, conversation flows easily, and you like being around them.  I could go on with the list, but I thought it should be basic.  This is normal, this is human.  Most of us want attachment.  We want intimate human connection.  While there is a variety of definitions, I’m going to stick with dating and the logical steps that follow.

So, tell me, what do you know about this person?  What is their family like? What have they done and accomplished until now? What is their day-to-day life like?  Have you met their friends?  These are all important things to know before you jump in too hard into a relationship with them.  Why?  Because those are all important factors in how this person sees and interacts with the world.  You need to remember that you are in the honeymoon phase of the relationship where everything looks and smells nice, and nothing could possibly be wrong with them. 

If they are worth your emotional and physical time, they should be happy to discuss at length these and other questions you may have.  Red flags need to be addressed.  Now.  Not ignored, not excused, not justified, but addressed.  So, what do I mean?  I’ll give you a few examples of people I know who are not close to me.

Bill (not real name) met Susan. They hit it off instantly.  They had easy conversations, laughed together, and spent their weekends having fun. Bill had a solid job, good wages, and benefits.  Susan seemed to always be bouncing from one job to the next.  Never establishing any roots.  Bill wasn’t concerned because she always seemed to pick up a new job quickly.  They moved in together and shared expenses.  Susan was fired from her latest job for poor job performance. She blamed it on her coworkers being jealous of her looks.  She was depressed about it and didn’t apply for other positions.  Bill’s job was good, and he told her to just take some time, he could cover everything.  Half a year went by, and Susan still wasn’t working.  After an economic downturn in the city, Bill got laid off.  I would continue the tale, but I really don’t want to reveal the couple I am talking about.   What were the red flags?  Susan’s job bouncing and the excuses for her being fired.  Sadly, while this is one specific couple I heard about, this scenario is all too common.  If you have goals for the future, your potential partner needs to share, support and work towards those goals too.  (Shared goals).  I’m not saying Susan was a Gold Digger, but clearly, she wasn’t serious about career, just worked to pay the bills.

Kelly met Bob through a regional conference of the same corporation.  They lived within half hour of each other and couldn’t stop talking to each other.  They had similar backgrounds, similar upbringing, and a mutual love of the outdoors.  The first time Kelly went to Bob’s apartment, it was messy.  Kelly chalked it up to single bachelor.  They fell in love, got married and purchased a house together.  Both worked and contributed to their home.  They continued to enjoy so many activities together.  But the house was a mess. Bob was really a slob.  He got home before Kelly and left dishes everywhere.  When it was his turn to cook, he didn’t clean up after himself and the sink was constantly full of dirty dishes.  He would start new projects or hobbies and leave them stacked around the house.  Bills and papers piled up everywhere.  Kelly was confused, she came from a household where everyone cleaned their own mess and expected Bob would clean his own mess.  He seemed wonderful in every other way.  So, she made excuses for him.  They couldn’t invite friends over because of the mess and eventually they stopped getting invitations to other people’s homes as well.    Ok, so where were the red flags here? Clearly Bob’s apartment was one.  But another was Kelly not communicating her expectations clearly with him.  Eventually, Bob’s habits became too much for Kelly and the relationship failed.  This heartache could have been avoided by clear communication, and not ignoring red flags.

Finally, the tragic story of Leroy and Veronica.  Veronica was a successful businesswoman who was well spoken, highly intelligent, and super positive.  Her first marriage hadn’t worked out but she was optimistic about the future.  Leroy swept her off her feet.  He loved bombed her from the start.  He also had an unsuccessful first marriage.  Leroy was SUPER intelligent, and highly educated.  His first career was in law enforcement but was retired due to an injury.  He was a counselor when he met Veronica.  Leroy seemed to take real interest in Veronica’s past and was super helpful in diagnosing problems that she had going back to childhood.  They fell in love and got married.  Soon afterwards, he moved them both 4 hours away from any family or friends.  It was a beautiful location, but Veronica eventually felt isolated.  Through encouragement from Leroy, she alienated herself from her family for perceived slights.  It seemed that their life revolved around him, and everything he desired.  I won’t continue this story, it ends in true heartbreak.  What were the red flags here?  Several.  Love bombing.  Leroy’s careers.  Yes, I said it. I stand by it too. Leroy’s unprofessional behavior in diagnosing his girlfriend. If you haven’t figured it out yet, Leroy is a narcissist.   Quite a toxic individual.  He was very charming whenever he wanted to be. Very well spoken, but those red flags were glaring. 

I’m not saying that someone with red flags CAN’T make a good mate, you’ll never get me to say that.  But those red flags HAVE TO BE ADDRESSED to have a healthy relationship.  Open communication is essential. Shared goals, values, and expectations are a must.  Both individuals MUST be willing to grow and be open to fixing their faults.

Please know this, this author is NOT perfect.  I’ve learned a lot of lessons the hard way.  I would just wish to caution you before jumping HARD into a relationship to do the legwork at the beginning and make sure this person is worthy of YOU.  Know that you deserve a healthy future, happiness, and all the success that comes with that!